I: The Birth of Gülüstü
Since before the time of recorded modern history, around 1970, it had been fated in the stars that a really pretty—but not stunning—woman would be born to, and only to, a dark-haired raven of a female and a light-haired ibis of a male. It such happened such that such a lady and such a gentleman were dating and accidentally “came to know each other” one night. As the ibis-male had terror of commitment, he implored that his raven-female mate consult the famous village witchdoctor to “see the movie ‘Bye, Bye, Baby.’” The raven-female assented—“Ok”—then “slyly winked at the audience,” meaning she had secretly read some star maps and scrolls and, through this, discovered the mystical prophecy of “The Coming of the Pretty.” She aksed of this witchdoctor: “Hey! I’m that raven-female. You’ve read ‘The Coming of the Pretty,’ reet?”
The witchdoctor, reeling in terror-delight, exclaimed, “Nope, what’s that?”
“You know, that thing about the pretty one being born. To me.”
The witchdoctor, reeling in horror-recognition, “Oh yeah! I read that last year. Cool.” The witchdoctor unsheathed a saber, put it away, then replied to herself, “She should rub some African root on her tum-tum, then not do anything else, then it’ll be born.”
“Were you talking to me?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, ok,” responded with delight-fun the raven-female, “Thanks!” And thusly gave the old hag twenty euros[1] for her troubles. The raven-female left in terror-ecstasy, and the witchdoctor continued to unsheathe, resheathe, usheathe, and unsheathe continuously.
The ibis-male was filled with rage-contempt upon hearing that his mate “Papa Don’t Preach”ed him.
“Ew, I can believe you did that,” he shouted several times, to curse her, then stated, “I’m going to leave now.”
Then left he.
After forty days and forty nights, she still did not give birth, as human gestation periods last for longer than that. After nine months, The Three Smart Gay Friends arrived in town, bearing gifts of glitter, Sephora makeup kits, and hats. In sheer delight, the raven-female accepted these gifts and went to a nightclub with them. The Three Smart Gay Friends burst into song, chanting endlessly “Holiday. Celebrate. It would be so nice. Holiday. Celebrate. It would be so nice. Holiday. Celebrate. It would be so nice. Holiday. Celebrate. It would be so nice. Holiday. Celebrate. It would be so nice. Holiday. Celebrate. It would be so nice. Holiday. Celebrate. It would be so nice.”
Moved by such an outpouring of fun, she gave birth on the dancefloor, which was indeed prophesied in the section of “The Coming of the Pretty” entitled “Giving Birth on a Pink Square That Flashes.” Fifty-three angels sang rather loudly as this happened, and then they shut up. An old woman, stationed on an adjacent dance square, which was of a green-color color, commended her on her genius-use of some African root to usher in the era of “The Really Pretty One.” The raven-female thanked everyone profusely and danced a celebratory dance to some damned-ancient songsong.
AND SHE WAS INDEED REALLY PRETTY! BUT NOT STUNNING!
It was at this time that the raven-female realized that her prophesied child was a full-grown woman.
“Hey you! Thanks for being born. Can I name you Claire?”
The Really Pretty One exclaimed in a voice that was very loud, “Nope. My name’s Gülüstü.”
“Ok.”
II: The Deeds of Gülüstü
One time, when she was about seven, Gülüstü the Pretty pooped for the first time. Her followers were surprised, as Pretty People do not poop. This proved that Gülüstü was actually the mortal incarnation of something deity-ish.
This other time, on the day of her fifteenth birthday, Gülüstü declared skorts “fucking ugly.” After this decree, skorts were banned throughout the kingdom.
Then, this other time, she instigated the feminist movement. This occurred when she was in stewardess school, when she declared, “Hey guys. I mean, let’s think about that word for a second. It’s, like, derived from the word “steward,” which, I read, is a male-centric word. Isn’t that kind of messed up? That’s, like, really sexist or something, reet? Can we call ourselves ‘flight attendants’ instead?”
THUS SPAKE GÜLÜSTÜ!
“Ok.”
III: The Dating of Gülüstü and Gübama, Emperor of Joy
Mimi Makedullance, a mutual friend of Gülüstü and Gübama, declared, “Hey guys. You two would be really great together. You’re really pretty—but not stunning—and he’s the Emperor of Joy, but not the Emperor of Eternal Happiness.”
“Ok,” they both said. Thus began the relationship of relationships.
But it was really rocky because that’s what happens with power couples. Upon the death of Gübama, Gülüstü had recently broken up with him and had, several times, hooked up with The Silly Prophet, some drunk guy she met at a hockey game. It was at this time that Gülüstü developed a really serious drinking problem, after getting to be really good friends with Prissy, Nats fan. Her sorority sisters were quite concerned, but it’s hard confronting people about that kind of thing. Then Gülüstü was burned at the stake and everyone was really sad for a while. Then they got over it and forgot about her.
[1] It is hypothesized that this passage of “The Book of Gübama” was not written by God, but rather by a disciple of Gübama or Gülüstü or The Silly Prophet, as the euro did not come into existence until 1975.
can I spread this gospel on okcupid?